IQ Tests

Everyone has an IQ, even simpletons. Some people don't know they have one, and these are usually people with a low IQ. Those who can put a number to their IQ (such as 42 or 50) tend to be those with a high IQ. Those who can tell you that IQ stands for 'Intelligence Quotient' usually have an IQ of around 114 are are also known as SC's (Smart Cunts). Mr Pervert's IQ is between 223 and 223¼. Here are some simple tests to see if yours is as high.*

TEST YOUR IQ AGAINST MISTER PERVERT

Jack has three apples and Jennifer has five apples. Jack gives one apple to Jennifer and Jennifer gives two apples to Jack. Jack throws one of the apples back at Jennifer. Jennifer falls twelve feet off a ladder amd drops two more of her apples. Jack picks up one of Jennifer's apples, but drops three apples when Jennifer hits him with the ladder. Jack pulls a knife and hurls one apple, while Jennifer throws two apples at Jack's head, swivels on the ball of her left foot, drops one apple and stuns Jack with a karate chop to the back of the head. Jack falls like a stone and drops all his apples. Jennifer slips on Jack's apples and falls under a combine harvester. What is Jack's surname? (fourteen minutes)

TEST YOUR COMPUTER'S IQ

If Jack has 6 billion, 479 thousand 208 apples, and he gives 2.36 billion to Janet who charges him a storage rate of 48,000 French Francs per quarter plus 6 percent storage surcharge and 18 percent EEC agricultural equalization tax deferral, what will happen to the global apple industry in 10 years time? (three hours)

TEST YOUR IQ
{Which is the ODD one out in each list?}

1.
[a] Atilla The Hun
[b] Tamburlaine the Great
[c] Alexander the Great
[d] Ghengis Khan
[e] George W. Bush
[f] Mr Pervert

2.
[a] Norman St. John Stevas
[b] Norm Anst. Joh Nstevas
[c] Nor Man Saint Jo H.N.S. Tevas
[d] John Selwyn Gummer
[e] Mr Pervert

3.
[a] Tyrus Pervert
[b] Pascal Pervert
[c] Theodolyte Pervert
[d] Roosevelt Pervert
[e] Barnum S. Pervert
[f] Bobby Pervert
[g] Brittney Spears
(Careful with this one!)

4.
[a] A lump of cement
[b] ANUS78
[c] A thick bit of wood
[d] A block of concrete
[e] Mr Pervert's "Oh-So-Lite" Self-Raising Flour
(This is a TRICK question)

5.
[a] The President Of The United States
[b] Goofy
[c] The man who came around to fix the toilet last Thursday
[d] A simpleton
[e] A zombie
[f] A not very clever person
[g] Mr Pervert's views on Iraq
(Another TRICK question)

6.
[a] The Leaning Tower Of Bisa
[b] The Empire Stoat Building
[c] Dr Spot
[d] Elvis Presley
[e] President Frod
[f] Lee Dorsey
[g] Half-past three
(This one isn't a question)

7.
[a] Hello!
[b] Someone trying to solve this puzzle
[c] You
[d] Someone who's just realized they're wasting their time
[e] A person about to do something else
[f] George W. Bush

ANSWERS

1. Obvious [e]
2. Norman St.John Stevas. The rest are all made up characters.
3. (Careful with this one!)
4. There is no odd one out.
5. Tom Jones (Sorry he wasn't on the list)
6. Not a question.
7. George W. Bush. (If George is not the odd one out, I'd like to take this opportunity of thanking the President personally for taking time off from the pressing affairs of state to have a go at this puzzle)

* With thanks to my uncle, the legendary Dr Fegg