Things that make me say 'fuck!'

PCs running Windoze that you turn off one day only to discover when you turn them back on the next, you find a whole bunch of regularly used devices and programs no longer have their drivers installed. And you know what? I'm not even remotely interested in an explanation as to why that might happen. Why? Let me put it this way.

I stepped into the computer world 21 years ago. Yes, this is my 'puter "coming of age". To continue the human age analogy, that first computer of mine was like a breech birth. It was an Atari-ST: its monitor was kinda deformed and funny and its B&W palate harkened back to television of the 1950s. It had 4 meg of RAM, which is to say, it was completely and utterly retarded by today's Terrabyte standards.

Yet, that computer traveled the world quite literally in a plastic milk crate. Now, in 2007, as it comes of age, I am proud to say that that little machine was never once sick with viruses. It's "operating system" was simple: supply electricity - after 21 years, it STILL does its farking job!

I feel like "supplying electricity" to the testicles of people who foisted Micro$oft onto the world. Your OS sucks more ass than an African Tapeworm.

Fuck it.

Australian Politics Joke

Some time in the future...

Kevin Rudd dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter. Peter says to him, "Kevin, God was so impressed with your reforms, particularly in the area of work choices, that He has decided to let you spend 24 hours in Heaven and then 24 hours in Hell and offer you the choice of where you'd like to spend eternity." Rudd thinks it's a great idea and Peter ushers him in to Heaven.

In there he is warmly welcomed by John Howard, Peter Costello, Alexander Downer and Malcolm Fraser. Bob Menzies is there to offer Rudd a cup of tea and some tea cake. Rudd joins everybody in the Heavenly lounge room and listens to everybody reminiscing about the good old days. It's all very pleasant but by the end of day, Kevin is restless to see what Hell is like.

Saint Peter escorts Rudd out of Heaven and sends him down to Hell in the celestial elevator.

When the doors open, Rudd steps out onto a majestic golf course. All his old Labor Party friends are there - Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, Peter Beattie, Julia Gillard and Gough Whitlam. The sky is blue and the rolling hills of the golf course are a lush and brilliant green sea of grass. Rudd joins in the game that ultimately ends back at the 19th hole. Here, Rudd is offered a choice of anything he wants to eat or drink. They're all drinking champagne and Chevas Regal and eating lobster. There are naked hostesses to serve his every whim and there is much laughter and merriment. Peter Garrett is even there with Midnight Oil to provide the entertainment. By the end of his day in Hell, Rudd is exhausted from all the excitement but smiling uncontrollably when he gets back up the Pearly Gates and Saint Peter.

Peter asks Rudd, "So what do you think? Where would you prefer to spend eternity: in Heaven, or Hell?"

Rudd thinks for a moment and then says, "Well, Pete, Heaven is certainly very pleasant but it's not, you know, terribly exciting. I'd like to spend eternity in Hell."

"Very well," Saint Peter says. He bids him luck and farewell and sends him back down to Hell.

When the doors of the celestial elevator open, Rudd steps out into a barren, squalid world. There are crowds of people dressed in rags; the wailing and gnashing of teeth is everywhere. All Rudd's old friends are still there, but they all look to be in advanced stages of decrepitness; their faces and bodies suppurating with open, fly-blown sores.

Rudd can't believe his eyes. He rushes up to Beattie and Gillard and sobs, "What happened? Where is all the beautiful scenery; the champagne; the lobster; the mirth and merriment?"

Gillard replies, "We were just trying to buy your vote."

*rimshot*

IQ Tests

Everyone has an IQ, even simpletons. Some people don't know they have one, and these are usually people with a low IQ. Those who can put a number to their IQ (such as 42 or 50) tend to be those with a high IQ. Those who can tell you that IQ stands for 'Intelligence Quotient' usually have an IQ of around 114 are are also known as SC's (Smart Cunts). Mr Pervert's IQ is between 223 and 223¼. Here are some simple tests to see if yours is as high.*

TEST YOUR IQ AGAINST MISTER PERVERT

Jack has three apples and Jennifer has five apples. Jack gives one apple to Jennifer and Jennifer gives two apples to Jack. Jack throws one of the apples back at Jennifer. Jennifer falls twelve feet off a ladder amd drops two more of her apples. Jack picks up one of Jennifer's apples, but drops three apples when Jennifer hits him with the ladder. Jack pulls a knife and hurls one apple, while Jennifer throws two apples at Jack's head, swivels on the ball of her left foot, drops one apple and stuns Jack with a karate chop to the back of the head. Jack falls like a stone and drops all his apples. Jennifer slips on Jack's apples and falls under a combine harvester. What is Jack's surname? (fourteen minutes)

TEST YOUR COMPUTER'S IQ

If Jack has 6 billion, 479 thousand 208 apples, and he gives 2.36 billion to Janet who charges him a storage rate of 48,000 French Francs per quarter plus 6 percent storage surcharge and 18 percent EEC agricultural equalization tax deferral, what will happen to the global apple industry in 10 years time? (three hours)

TEST YOUR IQ
{Which is the ODD one out in each list?}

1.
[a] Atilla The Hun
[b] Tamburlaine the Great
[c] Alexander the Great
[d] Ghengis Khan
[e] George W. Bush
[f] Mr Pervert

2.
[a] Norman St. John Stevas
[b] Norm Anst. Joh Nstevas
[c] Nor Man Saint Jo H.N.S. Tevas
[d] John Selwyn Gummer
[e] Mr Pervert

3.
[a] Tyrus Pervert
[b] Pascal Pervert
[c] Theodolyte Pervert
[d] Roosevelt Pervert
[e] Barnum S. Pervert
[f] Bobby Pervert
[g] Brittney Spears
(Careful with this one!)

4.
[a] A lump of cement
[b] ANUS78
[c] A thick bit of wood
[d] A block of concrete
[e] Mr Pervert's "Oh-So-Lite" Self-Raising Flour
(This is a TRICK question)

5.
[a] The President Of The United States
[b] Goofy
[c] The man who came around to fix the toilet last Thursday
[d] A simpleton
[e] A zombie
[f] A not very clever person
[g] Mr Pervert's views on Iraq
(Another TRICK question)

6.
[a] The Leaning Tower Of Bisa
[b] The Empire Stoat Building
[c] Dr Spot
[d] Elvis Presley
[e] President Frod
[f] Lee Dorsey
[g] Half-past three
(This one isn't a question)

7.
[a] Hello!
[b] Someone trying to solve this puzzle
[c] You
[d] Someone who's just realized they're wasting their time
[e] A person about to do something else
[f] George W. Bush

ANSWERS

1. Obvious [e]
2. Norman St.John Stevas. The rest are all made up characters.
3. (Careful with this one!)
4. There is no odd one out.
5. Tom Jones (Sorry he wasn't on the list)
6. Not a question.
7. George W. Bush. (If George is not the odd one out, I'd like to take this opportunity of thanking the President personally for taking time off from the pressing affairs of state to have a go at this puzzle)

* With thanks to my uncle, the legendary Dr Fegg

My Kind of Science!

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you put an iPhone into a blender? Wonder no more!

Letter to Tomorrow

Dear Sunday,

I'm writing to you from your yesterday. This Internet thing is really nifty in the way that I can be sitting in one part of the world being Saturday while you're over there being Sunday! I don't have to wait for midnight anymore to see you - Yay!

My day has been long and dull. After Friday passed over all her drunken revelers, I kept things dark until sunrise at just after 6am. It was then business as usual: endless rounds of soccer and little-league for the kids then an afternoon of baseball for the grown-ups. I expect tonight will be business as usual as well. The early rush on pizza and take-out followed by all the young folk hitting the nightclubs to get drunk and blase.

I want to put in another lottery entry today. It's occured to me that the only way I'm ever going to pick the winning numbers drawn tonight is if I get some help from my old and dear friend, Sunday. What do you say, Sunday? If you tell me the results published in your morning paper tomorrow, I can enter those for tonight and we'll win! I'll split everything fifty-fifty, of course.

I hope there's not as many murders tonight as last week. Honestly, that kind of thing gives me a bad name. Friday complains about the same thing. Why can't people go crazy on a Tuesday? I mean, it doesn't seem fair that he's named after the god of war and us girls of yesterday and today have to deal with all the battles.

Well, that's about it, I guess. Say 'hi' to Monday for me. She's such a quiet, diligent thing. I envy her in some ways.

Bye for now,

Your neighbor,

Saturday

House of Gnomes

Science Vs Religion

I love it when athiests try to dismiss Christian beliefs as being nothing more than unscientific theories and assumptions. This attitude belies the fact that mathematics is every bit as filled with theories that are assumed to be true as is religion. I realize Christians have God on their side and don't need reason or logic to defend their beliefs, but I thought I'd take a shot at it anyway.

Strong evidence of similarities between science and the triumvirate of monotheistic religions (Judaism, Christianity and Islam) is found in Principia Mathematica. For those of you not in the know, this work was Alfred Whitehead and Bertrand Russell's ambitious attempt to reduce all of number theory (note that word there -- theory) to a formal, axiomatic system. Its whole foundation is a few simple axioms that are almost indesputible. (Note the emphasis there: ALMOST indesputible.)

If Principia Mathematica is analogous with Judaism, then Gödel's incompleteness theorem is Christianity. It uses that old mathematical trick of proof by assuming the opposite of everything and then finding a contradition. In theology I think they call it "paradox". Whatever the case, Gödel's theorem, like Russell and Whitehead's Principia Mathematica is still theory.

Douglas Hofstadter (author of Gödel, Escher, Bach) is the Johnny-come-lately like the prophet Muhammad and his Islam. The coincidences just keep piling up when we discover that Hofstadter called his version of Gödel's theorem Typographical Number Theory or TNT for short. Like Principia Mathematica and Gödel's theorem, one first has to assume TNT works. You only have to look to the bombings of the US Embassies in Kenya and Tanzania or that of the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center to see how easy it is to assume TNT works.

As in theology, TNT has its own set of rules. "Axiom Strings" sure sounds like more fun than "Commandments", but they are essentially the same thing. However, people are more likely to turn to religion than mathematics because "Thou Shalt Not Kill" is a fuck of a lot easier to comprehend than "Axiom 5: Aa:Aa':(a*Sa')=((a*a')+a)".

It should also be noted that both Gödel and Hofstadter, taking a leaf out of God's Own Book, also created plenty of "fake rules" just to throw people off the scent of the truth. Hofstadter even called his false rule "Sentence G" undoubtedly in reference to The Almighty which is translated into his TNT theory as:

"This statement is not a theorem of TNT."

Now, ask yourself this question: is Sentence G true or false?

If Sentence G is false, then it is a theorem of TNT. Then we have a valid theorem which is false, and the whole system falls apart.

So it must be true. But if it is true, then it is not a theorem of TNT. Which means that Sentence G is true, but it is not provable within TNT. That is Gödel's "incompleteness." He showed that TNT, although it may be perfectly consistent and always correct, cannot possibly prove every true statement about number theory; there is always something which is true, which the system cannot prove.

Sounds a hell of a lot like religion to me!

It would be nice to think that Art came along to provide some kind of Trinity Balance to Mathematics and Religion. Alas, early artists (after a few millenia noodling images of dancing bison in wet mud on cave walls) were more compelled to paint pictures of the Virgin Mary nursing the infant Jesus in swaddling clothes than they ever were inclined to depict Number Theory -- not even in plain charcoal etchings!

Rachmaninov Has Big Hands