IQ Tests

Everyone has an IQ, even simpletons. Some people don't know they have one, and these are usually people with a low IQ. Those who can put a number to their IQ (such as 42 or 50) tend to be those with a high IQ. Those who can tell you that IQ stands for 'Intelligence Quotient' usually have an IQ of around 114 are are also known as SC's (Smart Cunts). Mr Pervert's IQ is between 223 and 223¼. Here are some simple tests to see if yours is as high.*

TEST YOUR IQ AGAINST MISTER PERVERT

Jack has three apples and Jennifer has five apples. Jack gives one apple to Jennifer and Jennifer gives two apples to Jack. Jack throws one of the apples back at Jennifer. Jennifer falls twelve feet off a ladder amd drops two more of her apples. Jack picks up one of Jennifer's apples, but drops three apples when Jennifer hits him with the ladder. Jack pulls a knife and hurls one apple, while Jennifer throws two apples at Jack's head, swivels on the ball of her left foot, drops one apple and stuns Jack with a karate chop to the back of the head. Jack falls like a stone and drops all his apples. Jennifer slips on Jack's apples and falls under a combine harvester. What is Jack's surname? (fourteen minutes)

TEST YOUR COMPUTER'S IQ

If Jack has 6 billion, 479 thousand 208 apples, and he gives 2.36 billion to Janet who charges him a storage rate of 48,000 French Francs per quarter plus 6 percent storage surcharge and 18 percent EEC agricultural equalization tax deferral, what will happen to the global apple industry in 10 years time? (three hours)

TEST YOUR IQ
{Which is the ODD one out in each list?}

1.
[a] Atilla The Hun
[b] Tamburlaine the Great
[c] Alexander the Great
[d] Ghengis Khan
[e] George W. Bush
[f] Mr Pervert

2.
[a] Norman St. John Stevas
[b] Norm Anst. Joh Nstevas
[c] Nor Man Saint Jo H.N.S. Tevas
[d] John Selwyn Gummer
[e] Mr Pervert

3.
[a] Tyrus Pervert
[b] Pascal Pervert
[c] Theodolyte Pervert
[d] Roosevelt Pervert
[e] Barnum S. Pervert
[f] Bobby Pervert
[g] Brittney Spears
(Careful with this one!)

4.
[a] A lump of cement
[b] ANUS78
[c] A thick bit of wood
[d] A block of concrete
[e] Mr Pervert's "Oh-So-Lite" Self-Raising Flour
(This is a TRICK question)

5.
[a] The President Of The United States
[b] Goofy
[c] The man who came around to fix the toilet last Thursday
[d] A simpleton
[e] A zombie
[f] A not very clever person
[g] Mr Pervert's views on Iraq
(Another TRICK question)

6.
[a] The Leaning Tower Of Bisa
[b] The Empire Stoat Building
[c] Dr Spot
[d] Elvis Presley
[e] President Frod
[f] Lee Dorsey
[g] Half-past three
(This one isn't a question)

7.
[a] Hello!
[b] Someone trying to solve this puzzle
[c] You
[d] Someone who's just realized they're wasting their time
[e] A person about to do something else
[f] George W. Bush

ANSWERS

1. Obvious [e]
2. Norman St.John Stevas. The rest are all made up characters.
3. (Careful with this one!)
4. There is no odd one out.
5. Tom Jones (Sorry he wasn't on the list)
6. Not a question.
7. George W. Bush. (If George is not the odd one out, I'd like to take this opportunity of thanking the President personally for taking time off from the pressing affairs of state to have a go at this puzzle)

* With thanks to my uncle, the legendary Dr Fegg

Forbidden Fruits

[An exercise in writing erotic fiction from a woman's perspective]

I've never liked management seminars. From the moment you arrive, you're treated like a five-year-old attending school for the very first time. At the registration table, bright, shiny kids fresh out of management school present you with a bright, shiny name badge and an 'information pack' that looks like it was assembled by Ronald McDonald. Then you're herded into an auditorium and forced to endure hours of PowerPoint presentations; animated words dance on the screen around stick-figure drawings that supposedly represent 'your staff' or 'your clients'. For heaven's sake! I work in a department store and they're not clients; they're customers! What's wrong with calling them customers?

The lunch break provided blessed relief from the monotony of the morning sessions. Ordinarily I would have had a glass of red wine with my chicken salad but, since none was offered I settled for juice. Others at my table appeared to be content with their Perrier water and fizzy sports drinks. I ate silently and prayed nobody would engage me in conversation.

"May I join you?"

I looked up in the direction of the voice. A fresh-faced young blond man with the most dazzling blue eyes I've ever seen smiled down at me. The chunk of tomato in my mouth refused to be swallowed unless I chewed.

"Mmm," I nodded. His warm smile immediately melted me.

"Thank you."

I detected the hint of an accent in his voice; Scandinavian, maybe Danish. He placed his plate and drink on the table then sat beside me.

"I'm Mark," he said.

"Ingrid," I replied. The sweet scent of his cologne engulfed my senses. I dabbed my lips with a napkin, partly out of habit but mostly to conceal a hot flush I felt suddenly come over me. 'Juice. Drink some juice,' I said to myself. He stared at me; I could feel it.

"I see you chose the chicken as well," said Mark.

"Yes," I smiled back at him. I caught a glimpse of his eyes again but dared not look too long for fear he'd mesmerize me. His smile too - such beautiful white teeth and soft, almost voluptuous, lips.

"How are you enjoying it?" Mark asked.

"Oh, it's very nice," I replied.

"Yes. I'm looking forward to the workshop session after lunch," Mark said.

'Stupid!' a voice in my head yelled. 'He's talking about the seminar, not the food!'

"Oh yes, the seminar," I said. It was too late to tell him what I really thought about that and besides, he clearly sounded like he enjoyed it. I resumed eating.

"Do you have a partner for the workshop?" Mark asked.

It was impossible to answer until I swallowed, and this was difficult now because his question caused a knot to form in my stomach. 'He's going to ask me to be his partner,' said the voice in my head. "No," I finally managed to say.

"Would you mind?" he asked.

"With you?" I replied.

"If you don't mind," Mark smiled.

His eyes caught mine. I felt a tingle run down my spine that left in its wake a trail of goose bumps.

"I should warn you I'm not very good at role-play," I said. I had to say something; anything to get my mind off his eyes.

He leaned very close and whispered, "I'll teach you."

It was as if he'd physically breached an invisible force field around me and the electricity of his proximity paralyzed me. I gripped my knife and fork tightly in my hands. "Mmm," I responded. The utterance resonated through my chest.

Mark leaned away and casually continued to eat his meal. I had to consciously command my hands to operate my knife and fork again. In the long silence that ensued, my jangled nerves slowly settled. 'Just relax, and remember to breathe,' the voice in my head reassured me.

Mark's voice saying 'I'll teach you' resounded over and over in my mind. I desperately wanted to ask, 'Are you flirting with me?' but the question seemed preposterous. Surely he wasn't, but I felt compelled to ask. "So, you can teach me to be a tree?"

"Pardon me?"

Mark suddenly looked directly at me and smiled.

'Oh god,' I thought. 'Now I'm flirting with him! Think, Ingrid. Think!'

"Every time I go to one of these seminars, they always have a role-play workshop," I said. "They're ridiculous! Grown adults told to 'imagine you're a tree' or 'imagine you're a rock' and then forced to act it. I'm sorry but my staff prefer to be managed by a real human being - not a tree or a rock."

Mark stared at me with a sort of blank look for a moment and then laughed loudly. "That's funny!"

I was actually serious, but his laughter was infectious and I laughed as well.

"Is that what they do here?" Mark asked. "Really?"

"Yes. Why, what did you think these role-play workshops involved?"

"Well, back in Sweden we used to do one that was based on that movie The Secretary. Do you know the movie?"

My thoughts suddenly reeled at Mark's question. Yes, I did know the movie and secretly loved the office scenes in it. I took more time than was necessary to chew and swallow my mouthful of food. Mark seemed to study me while he waited patiently for my answer.

"I've seen it," I finally said.

"Did you like it?" he asked.

I sensed an invisible trap about to spring.

"It was interesting," I replied.

"Interesting."

I wasn't sure whether Mark said it to echo my appraisal, or whether it was an expression of a deeper thought I now suspected he had about me. A cold wash of numbness crept through me followed by a tingling sensation all over as anxiety and guilt gripped me. "Yes, interesting," I said in an effort to deflect the conversation back to the movie.

Mark turned sideways in his chair to face me fully. "Yes, you are interesting," he said in a matter-of-fact tone.

My ears and face began to burn from the rush of sudden embarrassment. I would have reached for the comfort of my drink if my arms hadn't suddenly become like lead. Mark smiled at me - a curious smile, seemingly more to himself than at me. I wanted to smile back but the muscles in my face required for that ceased to serve me. My conscience began to speak loudly and repeated, 'No. No. No!'

"So, do you want to be my partner for the role-play?" Mark asked.

It felt as if my heart physically leapt up my throat as the reply gushed from my mouth, "Yes!"


The end.

Letter to Tomorrow

Dear Sunday,

I'm writing to you from your yesterday. This Internet thing is really nifty in the way that I can be sitting in one part of the world being Saturday while you're over there being Sunday! I don't have to wait for midnight anymore to see you - Yay!

My day has been long and dull. After Friday passed over all her drunken revelers, I kept things dark until sunrise at just after 6am. It was then business as usual: endless rounds of soccer and little-league for the kids then an afternoon of baseball for the grown-ups. I expect tonight will be business as usual as well. The early rush on pizza and take-out followed by all the young folk hitting the nightclubs to get drunk and blase.

I want to put in another lottery entry today. It's occured to me that the only way I'm ever going to pick the winning numbers drawn tonight is if I get some help from my old and dear friend, Sunday. What do you say, Sunday? If you tell me the results published in your morning paper tomorrow, I can enter those for tonight and we'll win! I'll split everything fifty-fifty, of course.

I hope there's not as many murders tonight as last week. Honestly, that kind of thing gives me a bad name. Friday complains about the same thing. Why can't people go crazy on a Tuesday? I mean, it doesn't seem fair that he's named after the god of war and us girls of yesterday and today have to deal with all the battles.

Well, that's about it, I guess. Say 'hi' to Monday for me. She's such a quiet, diligent thing. I envy her in some ways.

Bye for now,

Your neighbor,

Saturday